It’s been a tough couple of weeks if you are a fan of celebrities.  The King of Pop Michael Jackson passed. ’70’s sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed. Kung Fu and Kill Bill actor David Carradine passed.   TV pitch man Billy Mays passed.

And, the one that brought back the most memories for me was the passing of the long time Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon.  When the news broke, the memories of he and Johnny Carson came flooding back. Johnny and Ed ruled TV’s late night airwaves for decades, bringing laughs to insomniacs around the world.

One of the best parts of the show was Ed’s call, “Heeere’s Johnny!”   Doc Severinsen and the band would belt out the Tonight Show’s signature theme song, and Johnny would emerge from behind the curtains to peals of applause.

That’s when Johnny really got into it, starting with his monologue.  My favorite jokes were the ones where the audience got involved.  For instance, during the summers, Johnny liked to talk about the heat in Los Angeles.  His joke would start like this:

Johnny: It was so hot today…

Audience: HOW HOT WAS IT?

Johnny would typically pause for a second with a mischievous smile on his face while Ed and the audience chuckled, then deliver the punchline.  Some of the most famous were:

• It was so hot, I saw a robin using potholders to pick up a worm.
• It was so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat… And they were walking.
• Burger King said, “If you want it your way, cook it yourself.”
• Chickens were lining up outside of Kentucky Fried Chicken to get plucked.

Classic stuff…

Now that we are in summer, one of Johnny’s lines could easily be, “I saw a woodworker in Florida melt.”  It’s hot in my shop.  I mean really hot.

My shop is in an attached two car garage.  There is no insulation above in the attic, and the garage door isn’t insulated, either.  Which means that the sun beats down, and the temperatures spike in the latter part of the day.

How hot does it get in the shop?  Well, a thermometer out there this past weekend registered a cool 94 degrees F.  It wasn’t too long into my work session that I was drenched in sweat from my the top of my head down into my squishy shoes.  That’s no way to treat a woodworker!

My first – and only –  line of defense for the first few years of woodworking was a box fan I had picked up at a mega merchandising store.  I put the fan in the back of the shop blowing toward me and the bench.  It did move the air around and provided a little bit of relief.  There were only two problems with this plan.  First, the box fan stirred up tremendous amounts of sawdust and planer shavings.  Secondly – and most important – it really didn’t do much to cool me off.  It was blowing the hot, humid air around.  Since the very humid air wouldn’t allow the sweat to evaporate, I just ended up  gasping for breath.

In those years, I absolutely had a woodworking off season. I would race to finish my projects by the middle of May, and then I would start again in late September when the humidity and the searing heat would start to back off and the fan became more effective.

One year, my wife told me to get in to the car and took me on a surprise trip.  “Where are we going?” I kept asking.  She drove silently with a big grin on her face. When we pulled into the Home Depot parking lot, I had an idea of what was going on.  We headed straight for the area in the store where the air conditioners were on display.

That’s where we found this little portable unit.  The boys used to call it R2D2, after the droid of Star Wars fame.  It’s a clever system that didn’t require me to make any modifications to the shop.  It plugs in to a 110 volt outlet and has a vent which exhausts the hot air through the window on my side garage door.  There is no condensation drain on the unit – apparently, the condensation is evaporated and sent out through the same exhaust port.

This unit has served me well for the past four years.  I can turn it on before a shop session to get a head start on cooling the room for me.

Now, while it does cut the edge off the ferocious heat, it’s only an 8,000 btu unit.  It does struggle during the heat of the day to keep up with the tremendous heat gain.  However, if  I turn the AC toward me, and I also use the box fan, I can get it to cool me more efficiently.

Is this the ultimate solution to my climate control problem?  No way. That 94 degree F reading was just as I turned the AC unit on, and all it managed to drop the temperature to was 88 degrees F.  I would definitely love to get my hands on a larger AC unit, even if I had to run a 220 volt circuit to serve its needs.    I’m sure I could also insulate the garage door to help hold some of the cool air inside the garage.  That will be work for another day.

Right now, I just have to remember to work more slowly, take more breaks and drink plenty of water and – if it’s a long shop session – Gatorade.

Ultimately, I could I could try working after the sun is down, which would limit the heat gain in my shop.

But that’s when I’m busy watching late-night TV…

I’m sure that most of you are on tenterhooks, anxiously awaiting the results of the Great Wood Movement Experiment of 2009.  And, yes, I did promise that about two weeks ago, I would have the results.

However, a little thing called ‘Life’ got in the way.  My timing was terrible.  My two confederates in this project  – Dave Campbell and Marc Spagnuolo – both had things that kept them away from measuring the sample boards I had sent.  For Dave, it was a family camping trip that set him back a day or so.  For Marc, I must have been clairvoyant.  I sent him the boards smack in the middle of a move between houses. No wonder it took some time to get the results back.  Dealing with power, phone and cable companies takes time!

Anyway, just to recap what had happened:

I had prepared some samples of commonly used boards in cabinetmaking – cherry, poplar, hard maple, ash, red oak and a mystery board which looked a lot like elm.  All were 5″ wide by 8″ long and were shipped to my victims – errr – volunteers by USPS Express Mail.

Dave Campbell is the deputy editor of Wood Magazine, and calls the Des Moines, Iowa area home.  Marc Spagnuolo is the Wood Whisperer himself, and has bounced between two homes in the Phoenix, Arizona area for the past few weeks.

Both of these guys let their packet of sample boards aclimate to their shops for  about two weeks. I kept a third set of boards here in my Tampa, Florida area shop in the stifling heat and humidity.

Now for some notes about the experiment…  First of all, I discovered that I really need to tune my table saw.  I was having some discrepancies across the width of the board.  For instance, my sample of ash had a difference of .006 in the width of the ‘top’ of the board and the ‘bottom’ of the board.  Guess it’s time to haul out the operator’s manual and get busy on that…

Also, none  of the boards had appreciable expansion along their length.  This was the expected result because wood doesn’t expand dramatically along the length of the fibers.  Of course, the next time I do something like this, I will cut the boards 5 inches square, so we can fit calipers across both dimensions….  Live and learn, right?

The width measurements were all taken in decimal inch measurements on or about June 8.  Just for your reference, the weather readings from the three cities on that day were:

• Tampa, Florida – Mean temp: 79; Dew Point: 69

Tampa was its typical summer-like self.  The weather was exceptionally rainy at the start of June, and the added humidity made going into the shop a challenge.

• Des Moines, Iowa – Mean Temp: 66; Dew Point: 65

Des Moines saw the passage of a frontal system which not only brought rain, but severe weather as well, with the touchdown of at least one confirmed tornado.

• Phoenix, Arizona – Mean Temp: 84; Dew Point: 36

As with Tampa, Phoenix was enjoying – if you can use that word with a straight face – its typical hot and dry weather, with a dew point which seems just way too low for someone living in Florida.

The results were pretty interesting:

Cherry:

• Tom –   5.014 inches wide
• Dave –  4.995  inches wide
• Marc –  4.938 inches wide

Poplar:

• Tom – 5.007 inches wide
• Dave – 5.004 inches wide
• Marc – 4.938 inches wide

Maple:

• Tom – 5.003 inches wide
• Dave – 4.990 inches wide
• Marc – 4.906 inches wide

Ash:

• Tom – 5.002 inches wide
• Dave – 5.001 inches wide
• Marc – 4.875 inches wide

Red Oak:

• Tom – 5.008 inches wide
• Dave – 4.985 inches wide
• Marc – 4.938 inches wide

Uhh, Elm?:

• Tom – 5.003 inches wide
• Dave – 4.996 inches wide
• Marc – 4.875 inches wide

Since Des Moines’ dew point was higher that its normal levels due to the increased rain, Dave’s samples had considerably less movement than I had expected.  In many cases, the difference between widths was mere thousandths of an inch – something which could easily be accounted for given my faulty saw setup.

However, Marc’s numbers were considerably smaller than the samples kept in my shop.  Going from the near tropical conditions in Florida to Phoenix’s desert, the boards gave up their moisture content to equalize with the surrounding environment.  The ash sample was dramatic, shrinking nearly 1/8 of an inch across a five inch wide board over the two week period.

Even with my faulty science and measurement techniques, hopefully you have been able to see that yes, there is definitive evidence to suggest that wood does move over its width with changes in humidity.  This expansion and contraction does have to be accounted for in your construction methods, or the boards will crack or push apart the joints.  Floating solid wood door panels and table fasteners are some of the time-honored techniques for handling these expansions and contractions.

Will this be the end of the Great Wood Movement Experiment?  No way.  There are so many other aspects to check out… For instance, will boards of the same species expand and contract at the same rate if they are finished?  Will quartersawn or flatsawn boards expand the most?  Oh, so many wood samples to cut, so little time…

All I can say is that the Great Wood Movement Experiment of 2009 has been a moving experience for me.  I have to move myself out to the shop to get that saw tuned up!

This year, my family and I are not making our annual pilgrimage up north.  Bummer.

The fact that we live in Florida means that – as with many of our friends and neighbors, we didn’t start here.  We have family stretched along the length of the east coast of the United States.  North Carolina.  Maryland.  New Jersey.  Keeping those family ties strong is the prime mission on these trips.

During the summer break, we typically load the kids into our minivan and begin the epic odyssey.  By the end of the trip, we have logged nearly 3,000 miles, slept in six different homes, two hotel rooms and eaten countless dinners out.

No wonder I needed a vacation after those vacations…

Chain restaurants on the highways are our friends during these trips.  Subway and McDonalds get a decent chunk of our change on the highway, but, for breakfast, it’s hard to beat the Cracker Barrel.

If you want down-home kitch, Cracker Barrel has it in spades.  From the offerings on the menu (that’s where this New Jersey boy first ate collard greens) to the rows of rocking chairs out front, the restaurants attempt to exude the whole country cookin’ theme.  That follows through to the decorations up on the walls.

That’s where I have issues.

During last year’s trip, we had just crossed the Florida/Georgia state line on I-95 when we pulled into the parking lot.  We were seated in the dining room and had just placed our drink orders when I took the opportunity to scan the items up on the wall.  Sure, there were the various antique signs, family portraits and various farm implements from bygone eras.  But, up near the front of the restaurant was a collection of old woodworking tools.  Saws.  Chisels. A nice old brace with some bits.  And a large wooden jointer plane.

I got up to stretch my legs and check out the display.  The plane caught my attention.  It was in gorgeous condition, complete with its wedge and iron.  The body was in perfect shape, with only a few very minor checks in the end grain at the heel.

And, it had been screwed to the wall through the body.  Ouch.

Part of me was tempted to go out to the van and get the screwdriver, remove it from the wall, sharpen the iron and show the restaurant patrons what a plane like that could do.  Many tools from that era are exceptionally serviceable and with a little TLC can outperform many modern models.

The question that ran through my mind was, “Are the things on these walls real?”  Once I got to an internet hot spot, I did a little research. According to an article written by Cecil Adams of the Straight Dope, the answer is yes.  Restaurant chains such as the now-defunct Bennigans, Cracker Barrel and other establishments do have buyers who scour the country looking for these old bits of Americana. They do attend auctions, yard sales and other events to find the elements to add to their restaurants.

While displaying old items in itself is not a terrible thing, my concern is about they way these tools are handled. Screwing through the body of an antique plane is certainly not the best ending for something as noble as a properly built hand tool.

Remember, these are the tools which helped to build our country.  Artisans toiled for for years with these tools in their hands.  These tools were their livelihood.  They were part of their identity and should be treated with some care.

I have held and used some very old woodworking tools over the past decade.  There is a connection with the craftsmen and women of old when you swipe a properly fettled plane across the surface of a board, raising a fine fluffy curl of wood.  These tools are more than just ‘stuff’ from the past.

Should every old tool be refurbished and used in the workshop? Nah.  If you have a sentimental attachment to a tool – say one owned by a grandfather – there’s nothing wrong with putting that tool up on display to show off the family heirloom.  Other planes could have major defects – shot soles or cracked castings – and not be salvageable.  That’s what happens when you work with old tools.

And, since I don’t own these old woodworking tools hanging on the walls, I really have no say in how they are handled or displayed.

I guess I’m just a firm believer that these old tools should be treated with the utmost respect and given a new life in a woodworking shop, not screwed to a restaurant wall.